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Avengers Endgame: An Altruistic Tale

Altruism refers to the practice of disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others: A police officer heroically charging into the local high school to eliminate the latest depressed teenager; an unconscious motorist unknowingly donating his spare liver to a perishing alcoholic who intends to extend his alcoholism an additional twenty years; a fearless firefighter extinguishing a blazing fire of unknown origins, from over-cooked turkey dinners prepared by narcoleptic multi-taskers to the occasional meth lab explosion when an amateur chemist mistakenly overheats hypophosphorous acid within close proximity to the Bunsen Burners.

Marvel Endgame features a fictional altruist, Thanos, on his noble quest to harmonize the planet with controlled depopulation. Though he could have been more conspicuous by manufacturing a never-before-seen Coronavirus strain in a mysterious Chinese lab that steadily depopulates nursing homes, painlessly converting three billion arbitrary individuals into small clouds of vaporized ash is a more humane method of execution.


Thanos' primary opposition is a gaggle of self-proclaimed "superheroes" called "The Avengers". Although superheroes are ubiquitously revered and constitute a majority of the Halloween costume market, The Avengers have an unfaltering tendency of destroying the city they are protecting.

Tony Stark is a slightly better-looking and more socially-apt Elon Musk. But instead of quarrelling with a giant purple alien in a do-it-yourself metallic body suit, Elon Musk combats controlled depopulation by impregnating his employees.

The Hulk is a giant, green rage monster whose untethered rage drives him to smash everything in a 200-foot radius with more aggression and ferocity than my Latina girlfriend in a room full of spiders. Unpleasantly, Avengers Endgame introduced an updated Hulk that resembles a 550-pound librarian who dipped his head in a large bowl of guacamole dip and enjoys taking fan-photos like an annoying, spray-painted "TikTok influencer" -- eroding the reputation of the beloved green monster.

Thor, the nearly-invincible mythical god who zaps his enemies with an over-sized mallet, evidently found emotional relief from his recent defeat in the Twinkie aisle at CVS, establishing an impressive body transformation rivaled only by Mac from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".

Captain America is a steroid-infused man wrapped in a decorative Puerto Rican flag, still not as bizarre as the mighty man-spider who swings around, spraying men with his bodily excretions.

The only female Avenger, Black Widow, was fortunately sacrificed for the Soul Stone so the men can have a good fight, well, with Scarlet Witch, who nearly ripped Thanos in half like a child playing with a fruit-by-the-foot. Captain Marvel would be included on the list of notable women if she did not forget that Earth was being invaded by an all-powerful alien interested in genocide-ing three billion innocent civilians. Interestingly, she gave a similar excuse as my 7th grade music teacher who was apparently passionate about space exploration; She went away to defend distant planets and Mr. Gilmore went to prison for telling students he wants to explore Uranus.


Depopulating the planet could rectify many of the rampant inconveniences cumulatively depleting my happiness: Bumper-to-bumper traffic congesting roadways like the digestive tract of a 350-pound fat man; lines at Six Flags perpetually winding around metal posts while my bladder slowly fills, which is the actual reason I occasionally urinate during the ride, not because I am terrified of the initial drop; potato-shaped men using my favorite workout bench as a comfortable chair to scroll through their Facebook feeds; and almost any other situation that involves more than three individuals.

Ultimately, Avengers Endgame concludes with the protagonist being converted into a cloud of dust, educating the audience on the harshest reality of life: The good guy does not always win, in fact, he never does.


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