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Brief History of the United States; A nation of human rights violations and Twinkies.

Note: This is a satirical piece explaining how abhorrent American history is. I am not attempting to make light of the situation, but rather, highlighting how bizarre it is that Americans previously justified behaviors so blatantly immoral and unjust.

The United States is a large blotch of floating dirt, located directly below Canada (America’s little cousin; comprised entirely of cheap compliments and large, burly men gliding across frozen floors and chopping at rubber discs) and above Mexico (the main supplier of avocados — the wrinkly black fruit masquerading as edible bear droppings), with nothing to the sides except millions of fish swimming in their own urine. American history can be interpreted many ways because of frequent transfer-of-owne

rships — generally from unlawful theft and forced relocation — but these are the highlights of this beautiful mound of morally-unadjusted dirt.

Christopher Columbus travelled to India in search of cooking spices, but landed only 8000 miles away on an unexplored island.

In 1492, a controversial sailor named Chistopher Columbus boarded a large wooden raft — most likely lacking safety specifications, OSHA regulations, and most modern features besides a large, water-proof cup and his grandmother’s drapes disguised as a tattered windsail — to aimlessly float around a gigantic puddle, in search of the Indies. Ten weeks and multiple mermaid sightings later — eventually revealed to be manatees — Christopher missed his destination by a mere 8000 miles, not bad considering he had been randomly floating around the Atlantic Ocean with the navigation equipment of a free-floating shopping bag. Instead of discovering Indian merchants dealing sandwich baggies filled with cinnamon and nutmeg (his reason for travelling), Chris encountered feral chimpanzees bashing fat, grazing animals with self-whittled spears and coating their festering skin with thick sludge and animal feces, or whatever Native Americans were doing in the 1400s. These inhabitants closely mirrored Europeans. They had two arms and two legs, and they walked with an erect posture, but they typically communicated with non-interpretable grunts — grunts that could either be an official language, or could be nonsensical barks — and they maintained a pre-historic style of survival by violently attacking straggling livestock with bow-and-arrows. In lieu of having traditional names, such as David or Ben, Native American parents named their children after nearby objects and basic observations, such as animals, wildlife, geography, gentle breezes, and probably even a bull’s untamed flatulence.

Early settlers squatted on Native American territory until they all disappeared.

Europeans swiftly moved into the newly-discovered land with good intentions: to convert Native Americans to Christianity so they can be saved by an omnipotent mythical God who magically transports loyal church go-ers to a fictional palace in the sky and tortures anyone who has never read the bible; Many tribes participated in ritualistic cannibalism, sacrificed virgin children to sun gods for a plentiful harvest, and sauntered around the tribal grounds with nothing more than a wrinkled leaf draped over their private parts, exposing themselves to the community; an intervention was not only justified, but desperately needed. After acknowledging that “Indians” — a misnomer derived from Chistopher’s navigation issues — could not be saved, English inhabitants politely asked Native Americans to vacate their homes, the same way an illegal Venezuelan TikToker may squat in unattended vacant Californian homes and instruct others how to do the same.

Britain swindles colonists by collecting taxes, so they attempt to convert the ocean into a giant pitcher of iced tea.

After multiple centuries of squatting on Native American territory, a disgruntled taxpayer suddenly noticed that colonists were paying taxes to strange, accented men 3000 miles away, located distantly on the opposing side of a vast, tempestuous ocean, with no way to effectively enforce rules… so they did what I always wanted to do: They stopped paying taxes. Perplexed by the colonists dissatisfaction for unwarranted taxation — the same way a bully wonders why the dork doesn’t appreciate a proper wedgie — England delivered soldiers across an interminable ocean to persuade Americans to willingly pay fees in exchange for nothing. Because Americans fancy violent riots over civil negotiations, a party of pissed-off protestors attempted to convert the ocean into a large pitcher of unsweetened iced tea during the Boston Tea Party, an unsuccessful tactic due to an under-abundance of tea bags relative to the amount of water, frigid temperatures generating weakened flavor, salty undertones, and the British citizen’s strange propensity for quaffing ridiculous amounts of tea, rewarding British beach-goers with a delicious treat. Because the English resided months away and were separated by 100 million gallons of water, the English forfeited ownership of the colonies in 1776.

Americans tolerate pesky neighbors by removing them from the territory.

One of the first tasks on the American docket was the manifest destiny: the desire to not have neighbors. Neighbors are pesky, proximal dwellers who occasionally plant trees on distant lawns, possess pets that periodically plop camouflaged excrement on busy sidewalks, and try to communicate about mundane topics, such as the weather or their children; the best way to tolerate neighbors is by removing them. Early settlers purchased heavily discounted land from Native Americans and distributed smallpox-enriched blankets to strengthen the immune systems of anyone who refused to sell. Entrepreneural Americans, known for their business acuity and determination, taught their descendants an important lesson about not giving up by not taking no for an answer, until every Native American agreed to relocate. Though the newly-homeless tribesman had nowhere to go, the colonists assisted in the moving process in a historic event dubbed “The Trail of Tears”; the trek to their new homeland, which, ended up being non-existent, or in the ocean somewhere — anywhere except on the land. After centuries of remission, Native Americans spontaneously re-emerged — like cyclical cicadas that surface every 17 years — to open casinos and swindle modern Americans out of loose cash, especially after a divorce.

Americans kidnap confused men from their African homes and force them to work on plantations.

To grow the new, infantile economy, Americans received whispers of revolutionary new farming equipment being sold out of Africa, but this farming equipment ripened up to be confused men kidnapped from their African homes. For a small flat rate, plantation owners could possess their very own hostage to tend to his crops, open doors, and fluff his pillows — a blatant human right violation, based not on sound logic, but stupidity guided by the desire to make money. Somehow, for hundreds of years, few Americans could smell the funky human-rights-violation in the air, until, in 1865, Abraham Lincoln made a startling observation: African Americans had the same number of arms, legs, and eyes, and they harbored genetic code similar enough to generate a blended hybrid when mixed with an American; African Americans were nearly identical to their sour-cream-painted counterparts, with the exception of hyper-pigmented skin. Abraham Lincoln justly ruled that kidnapping humans and chaining them to scattered posts on their plantations was morally-questionable, so he granted freedom to every African American who had access to a radio and the ability to decipher English, which was none of them. Southerners, noted for their lack of education at the time, could not compare two identical objects, perplexed by the multitude of colors, refusing to believe that they are the same species — thus sparking the American Civil War.

A 6’4” giant wielding a battle axe leads the North against a collection of bigots (the South).

The American Civil War was a violent internal war waged between those who realized that kidnapping Africans is morally-questionable and racists. In the North, a 6’4″ giant wielding a battle axe led his army against the southern states, a collection of bigots incapable of differentiating between a watermelon and their shriveled-up scrotums; a battle for human rights. Fortunately, the northern states out-battled the confused Southerners, and permitted African Americans to live free lives in a foreign land without money, education, or a basic understanding of the English language. The newly-free had no applicable skills besides farm work, forcing a majority of African Americans to continue working on the plantations they were recently enslaved on, just without the shackles.

Americans granted freedom to African Americans while maintaining subtle racism in the form of segregation.

After Americans realized that they kidnapped and enslaved humans, simply because they have extra pigmentation tinting their skin — a practice so blatantly f*cked up and nonsensical, it sounds like a fictitious story fabricated for a television show, or a standard fable in the bible — Americans finally granted freedom to black men. In 1865, “freedom” can be loosely translated to not being forcibly shackled to plantations to harvest crops without compensation. They were still not worthy of a proper education, they could not attend high-class restaurants, or even sit in the front of public transportation without being arrested or lynched — but Americans still celebrated the freedom granted to a recently oppressed group of individuals while maintaining subtle racism in the form of segregation.

Lonely wives incite prohibition because men enjoy Jack Daniels more than a nagging spouse and weeping child.

In the 1920s, Americans passed prohibition, banning alcohol consumption. This law was not designed to protect its citizens; it was incited by lonely wives who thought their husbands were sneaking away to the saloons to satisfy their alcoholic tendencies, and not because they have a nagging spouse in their homes; a spouse who never has a proper meal prepared, but has plenty of trivial things to complain about, such as feelings. Because women sparked the movement, prohibition was not resolved civilly with words and compromise. Women angrily charged local bars to passionately smash bottles with hatchets and various gardening tools — exposing why the men were initially hiding.

Americans frantically charge their local banks and trigger the Great Depression.

Shortly after prohibition, America entered the Great Depression — not emotionally because they were sober — economically because they depleted their bank accounts in an embarrassing act of mass-hysteria. When an unexpected swarm of bank-goers simultaneously attempted cash withdrawals, tellers politely informed their clients that, just like how a street-side merchant may run out of avocados, they had temporarily depleted their physical dollar supply; They need to order more. Instead of taking a couple deep breaths or maintaining a downward dog position until the money was ready, humans did what they do best: they entered a state of mass-hysteria and emotional instability — frantically charging their local bank to demand additional funding and panicking when they encountered a line out-stretching the Superman line at Six Flags New England; some men instantly defaulted to plunging off high roofs because a couple thousand dollars spontaneously vanished, others resorted to violence and theft — and the remaining survivors silently munched on moldy bread crumbs in poverty and squandered the little money they managed to scavenge, instead of calmly letting things settle. If everyone simply poured a pitcher of red wine and implemented sound logic (something humans are not fond of), it would not have transpired the same way my wife and I settle disputes — out of pure emotion and irrational stubbornness until it is too awkward to reconcile, rendering everyone to linger in depression until the war starts.

The United States makes an official agreement with Germany and Japan to start murdering each other’s citizens.

To exit the Great Depression, the United States made an official agreement with Germany and Japan to start murdering each other’s citizens, because the most effective method of mending a shambled economy is by waging war against multiple nations with differing ideological beliefs. After Japan succumbed to two nuclear warheads that converted the ambient pedestrians of two Japanese cities into nothing more than floating allergens, America strived to continually strengthen its economy by waging war against Afghanistan, Vietnam, Korea, Syria, Iraq, Al Qaeda, the Mexican Cartels, and opposing political parties, while harboring tensions with Russia, China, India, North Korea, most of Africa and Asia, and some of Europe; The US entered an eternal chain of wars and violent disagreements as a method of keeping their economy pumping strong, because bombing a country for fabricated justifications is a more effective economy-booster than simply manufacturing a valuable product.

Some say that American history is boiling over with oppression, immorality, and corruption. It is. But now Americans can live justly by simply avoiding anything they’ve done in the past.

I do not mean to offend anyone with this satirical paper.

Note: This is a satirical piece explaining how abhorrent American history is. I am not attempting to make light of the situation, but rather, highlighting how bizarre it is that Americans previously justified behaviors so blatantly immoral and unjust. They pride themselves on supporting freedom, as they masticate endless streams of Twinkies on land shamelessly stolen from Native Americans, enjoy an economy built on the broken backs of enslaved Africans, guzzle boxed wine in a society still confined by subtle segregation (and a refusal to properly amend lingering segregation), and declare themselves the winner of World War 2, even though their ancestors casually dropped nuclear bombs on innocent civilians to determine if they indeed constructed a deadly weapon. It is not just the US; most countries have dark pasts riddled with immorality and pears of anguish. But none of that will be resolved because humans have an unfaltering infatuation with conflict, both on the scope of a nation, and on the personal level with domestic disputes. It shows how barbaric humans are and how closely we still mirror primitive apes. We truly are a savage species.

American history, like the history of most nations, repeatedly features racism, segregation, and bigotry.

I wish that someday humans would come together as a species. That they would support each other regardless of phenotypes, self-identification, and obscure personalities. That they would not judge someone based on the hue of their skin or the natural appendages between their legs — and the amount modified. That they would not treat anyone differently depending on an individual’s observable intelligence, appearance, social acuity, sexual orientation, weight, religious beliefs, and even the ones who find their midnight romance in a tub of mayonnaise — because we are all slightly different cupcakes on the same sh*tty desert platter.


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