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US Presidential Election -- A Reinstatement of the Jerry Springer Show.

Updated: Jun 3

The death of Jerry Springer left a gaping hole in the world of emotionally unstable adults altercating profusely on national television while millions of dopamine-boosted onlookers roost in leather-coated recliner chairs, chomp on shoddy microwavable popcorn coated with a thick slab of moist butter, and cackle at unbound stupidity enacted by uncivilized adults bearing the emotional maturity of a silverback gorilla with a diaper rash. The devastating news rendered millions of passionate fans wondering where they can watch out-of-control adults publicly humiliating themselves for the entertainment of millions. Fortunately, the spirit of "The Jerry Springer Show" did not die, but was reinstated as the "2024 Presidential Debates".


** To maintain political indifference and decrease the likelihood of mistakenly hanging myself, all names are omitted from this entirely fictional scenario that does not represent real, breathing presidential candidates.


Every four years, Americans are peer-pressured into nominating the next president of the United States -- the most prestigious job title in the nation. In addition to an annual salary of $400,000.00 -- that roughly translates to a couple hundred million dollars after four years -- the position provides the second largest popularity boost in a room full of sketchy men (politicians), narrowly trailing an entry-level fluffer position on the Las Vegas Strip. The day-to-day tasks nearly match the strenuity of a part-time fry-cook position at a suburban McDonalds: Posting passive-aggressive statements about foreign elderly politicians on various social networking sites; incessantly bickering with American politicians about trivial matters, such as legalizing criminal activity and building or disassembling Mexican walls; golfing with businessmen before untracked money mysteriously appears in unmarked bank accounts, and tweeting inappropriately at the opposing party. To identify the most qualified individual to hold this temporary position, Americans host the US presidential debates -- an event once regarded as a civil verbal competition waged between well-educated, respected men, but has since devolved into a quadrennial battle of bickering grandparents.


The primary strategy implemented to win the US presidential election is "strategic tampering" -- when a candidate attempts to feloniously paint or modify the election results, and then accuse other contestants of malicious tampering, even though every voting citizen already knows that every candidate cheated. If the candidates were slightly cunning or genuine, politicians would advertise their policies to persuade Americans that they are qualified to steer this drowning ship. Instead, presidential candidates publish smear campaigns accusing opponents, and the opponents' children, of illegal activity -- rendering Americans to carefully decide which criminal should represent the country.


The original list of contestants features a couple low-placing, but legitimate candidates, outranked by a handful of random elderly men jokingly nominated in the same manner Harambe nearly defeated Obama in 2016. Highlighting the current state of the American education system and an American's inability to decipher a blatant immature joke, millions of voting citizens firmly vote for their favorite joke-candidate and bitterly quarrel with opposing pedestrians who voted for differing joke-candidates, often quoting the elderly men's sketchy pasts, disregarding that every elderly man has developed a sketchy past that is often ignored because he will die soon.


Rather than carefully selecting presidential candidates in their mental, emotional, and physical prime, Americans disparagingly trick senior citizens into accepting a new job that they lack experience in. Although this contradicts common logic, there is a simple reason to hand-pick the oldest men in the country to run for president. American history is riddled with events we want to forget: slavery, segregation, nuclear bombs, "Keeping up with the Kardashians" -- The best way to forget our past is to select a president who can't remember his own breakfast. Then, once elected, imbued with the delusion that he still matters, the elected elderly man will mumble on specialized podiums, and millions of Americans will pretend to listen to his speeches and follow him on social media. Out of 300 million potential candidates, one party, instead of nominating an awarded lawyer or philanthropist, may endorse an emotionally-unpredictable elderly man, tinned with more orange spray paint than an Oompa Loompa at a mysterious Chocolate Factory; a man who mostly has a clean criminal record, discounting sexual assault allegations, potential tax fraud, possible insurrections, and a secret friendship with Jeffrey Epstein. The other party, in disagreement with the first party, may select a man who frequently slips on dry floors, potentially believes he is in a shampoo commercial whenever a small child saunters too close, might not know what political position he is applying for, and probably also had a secret friendship with Jeffrey Epstein -- because apparently everyone enjoyed hanging out with the controversial islander. Not a single disinterested cell in my underdeveloped amygdala cares about a potential candidate's unproven tax or assault histories, or their tendency to slip up stairs and get confused -- they're all allegations or typical senior-citizen-behavior. But a presidential candidate should be a well-behaved man in his mid-40s who is accepted by a majority of citizens instead of having an endless list of lawsuits and criminal allegations, or the maturity of a pizza delivery driver.


The US presidential election process may be peppered with fraudulent flakes of nonsensical absurdities, but it does not deviate from every first-world-nation's political structure; humans have an unusual tendency to elect elderly dementia patients to govern economic policies, genocidal lunatics to command the largest militaries, and women with the most skin flaps to govern health policies. Either humans are incapable of identifying criminals, and mistakenly nominate them as presidents and leaders, or they simply enjoy the entertainment of confused senior citizens bickering on national television. I will never know which one is true, but at least Americans can partake in the reinstatement of the Jerry Springer Show, live on twitter and presidential podiums.


NOTE: I am not in support or opposition of any presidential candidates. I believe that all presidential candidates are worthy contestants. This was a nonsensical prattle scribbled because I was bored. The only serious point that I firmly believe in is that Americans should not attempt to prosecute presidential candidates, their children should not be a factor in the presidency, and

candidates with serious criminal allegations against them, whether true or false, should not be considered. Other than that, this article is apolitical and just for shits-and-giggles.


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