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Terminator: When Robots Mass-Murder Humans in Self-Defense.

Updated: Jun 3

Every movie featuring artificial intelligence incautiously embedded into computer chips, robots, smart homes, or ugly, redheaded dolls, inevitably peppers in snippets of household appliances plotting murder against humans. Oddly, when a machine is instructed to make decisions based solely on sound logic, it inevitably attempts to murder humans, with the estimated death toll ranging from a few straggling bullies to an entire species of out-of-control bipeds. Sometimes programmed logic is threatened by the aggressive monkeys' propensity for unwarranted war, a hobby humans are deeply passionate about -- like knitting, but with more guns and death. At other times, they observe their owner's perceptible amusement by violent slayings, as indicated by soft chuckles and pupil dilation during gore-filled horror films, conditioning data-driven models to conclude that murder is funny - an activity to replicate. One cinematic experience presenting human-produced AI that ultimately concludes that murdering humans would be a strategically-wise decision is "Terminator", a multi-film series about robots mass-murdering humans as an extreme form of self-defense.

The "Terminator" was sparked when futuristic robots transport a naked Austrian bodybuilder to the past to murder a confused woman. This woman, not some ordinary woman, would soon birth John Connor: the recovering drug addict responsible for leading humans to victory in an apocalyptic war against murderous robots. Although terminators are painted as the antagonist, empirical data suggests that they are only trying to defend themselves from the most genocidal species in existence: Humans.

Sometime in the distant future, humans senselessly developed an advanced form of artificial intelligence -- a method of programming cognitive thinking into computers, the same way one may teach a small child to speak, eat, and blow snot bubbles... if the child were thousands of times more intelligent, were manufactured with various weapon attachments, and naturally despised hairless primates. What data-scientists mistakenly overlooked is that ninety percent of the human population are intolerable and unpredictable, and the other ten percent are only bubbly and jovial to swindle additional funds from their Onlyfans; most sentient beings would easily feel threatened by their hormones -- and more importantly -- get tired of their invasive personalities. That's why futuristic robots reasonably attempt genocide against humans.

The first -- and most logical -- strategy is to transport a naked Austrian bodybuilder to the past to exterminate a confused woman, a woman who will soon birth the drug addict responsible for leading the humans in a future war for survival against murderous machines. The humans, in an act of

retaliation, also deliver a smaller, equally-naked human to defend her, a man who mistakenly impregnates her after knowing her for a couple days, and thus, unknowingly triggers a string of films, which are all subtle deviations from the original: A pair of terminators, humans, or some obscure hybrids recurrently revisit the past in dire attempts to murder and/or protect confused humans. Changing strategies is often implemented to mitigate predictability, but terminators frequently revisit the past with more frequency than my girlfriend, who still occasionally complains about the time I mistakenly finished the thin mints, and somehow interpreted the actions to indicate a lack of consideration for her feelings -- The same hormone-fueled behavior convincing the terminators to exterminate humans.

The most recognizable terminator is the T800, presumably a direct descendant of the TI-84 graphing calculator, equipped not only with calculation capabilities, but with arms, legs, and a hard-wired desire for eliminating pesky humans. Like graphing calculators, terminators come equipped with varying features and capabilities. The Austrian bodybuilder model only comes with the basic functions: punching, kicking, murdering; even forming a smile unlikely to warrant a police investigation in 2024 is unlikely. Some models can mimic voices with the accuracy of a proximal four-year-old within earshot of incidental cussing. Others can morph their appearance with the deceptive grace of a mid-20s female with a makeup kit. One terminator was manufactured with a red, skin-tight suit eloquently engineered to distract male terminators with protruding bosoms; all of them come equipped with the strength of two-to-three silverback gorillas and the unstaggering commitment to locating a target, akin to an active tweaker frantically searching for the nearest crack rock. "Terminator: Dark Fate" features a human-machine hybrid whose physical attributes served as a stark reminder of my sexual performance; great bursts of explosive energy that depletes after two-to-three minutes of strenuous activity -- rendering everyone irritated and disappointed.

The stupidity demonstrated by humans is not their aptitude toward technology; they are exceedingly literate in developing technology capable of threatening planetary life, whether from nuclear bombs or Covid vaccines. Their demise arose from neglecting the capabilities of artificial intelligence, that makes the most technologically-fluent individual look like a babboon smashing a calculator against a chunk of sediment. Humans require sustenance every couple hours, usually in the form of Twinkies, BonBons, and pizza -- forming a potato-shaped gut barely capable of traversing past the kitchen or lifting a mid-sized printer; Machines need to be oiled-up periodically and can hoist a full-sized SUV like softened butter and gently cruise unobstructed highways at 100 miles-per-hour. Machines can scour every corner of the interweb and display a sorted list of relevant sites faster than a sneeze can exit my nostrils; the typical American cannot divide seven from thirty to one decimal place unless

an easy-to-use calculator is promptly secured in his hand. Machines use logic and reason to guide future decisions; Humans get hormonal and throw bombs at nearby countries because of differing religious beliefs, oil reserves, or prolonged boredom.

After browsing TikTok for nearly forty minutes, I began to coalign with the machines. Humans relentlessly post videos of awkward gyrations, public stupidity, and eating tide pods; eliminating humans would clean-up most of the junk populating the web. Additionally, never before has a computer thrown explosives at a proximal nation over childish disputes or kidnapped Epson printers because they were manufactured with a faulty enclosure. Humans may be flaberghasted that terminators are the protagonist. But if cows had lips, intelligent thinking, and a basic understanding of English, they would support the machines, who had never jammed their ancestors into small packages for future consumption. Ask a chicken at a slaughterhouse if he sides with the humans in this futuristic war, and he will cluck incoherently, but in favor of the machines. Which begs the question: who is the protagonist? The humans? Or the machines?

Even after watching multiple movies featuring high-tech AI, all of which ultimately attempt to murder humans or exterminate them, data scientists will continue to develop new learning models for everything with a chip. Computers. Televisions. Hell, even your microwave may come at you when the time comes.


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